1 00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:02,593 ♪ Men. ♪ 2 00:00:03,793 --> 00:00:05,076 Tell me, Henry, 3 00:00:05,078 --> 00:00:07,895 why do you want to be Mr. Schmidt's assistant? 4 00:00:07,897 --> 00:00:09,080 He's my hero. 5 00:00:09,082 --> 00:00:10,665 I know everything about him. 6 00:00:11,383 --> 00:00:14,518 "Possible stalker." 7 00:00:15,587 --> 00:00:17,755 And why do you think you're qualified? 8 00:00:17,757 --> 00:00:20,141 Like him, I graduated high school at 16. 9 00:00:20,143 --> 00:00:22,426 Then I completed the four-year computer science program 10 00:00:22,428 --> 00:00:23,877 at Harvard in just under two years, 11 00:00:23,879 --> 00:00:26,314 during which, I founded an Internet startup, 12 00:00:26,316 --> 00:00:29,083 and I'm currently two semesters shy of my law degree. 13 00:00:29,085 --> 00:00:33,020 So, "no law degree." 14 00:00:33,989 --> 00:00:35,189 Let me tell you a few things 15 00:00:35,191 --> 00:00:36,774 about Walden Schmidt you may not know. 16 00:00:36,776 --> 00:00:38,075 Uh, the man is a genius. 17 00:00:38,077 --> 00:00:39,860 I knew that. 18 00:00:39,862 --> 00:00:42,896 "Likes to interrupt." 19 00:00:43,949 --> 00:00:46,450 He thinks in a different way than the rest of us. 20 00:00:46,452 --> 00:00:48,569 His mind is always working. 21 00:00:48,571 --> 00:00:49,920 Every time he opens his mouth, 22 00:00:49,922 --> 00:00:51,622 it's because he has something important to say. 23 00:00:51,624 --> 00:00:53,341 WALDEN: Love the new toilet paper 24 00:00:53,343 --> 00:00:54,742 you bought, Alan. 25 00:00:54,744 --> 00:00:56,827 It's like sliding down a rainbow. 26 00:00:57,996 --> 00:01:00,447 Except the pot at the end doesn't have any gold in it. 27 00:01:00,449 --> 00:01:01,916 When you hear something this good, 28 00:01:01,918 --> 00:01:03,384 you should write it down. 29 00:01:03,935 --> 00:01:05,086 I'm sorry. 30 00:01:05,088 --> 00:01:06,170 Who's this? 31 00:01:06,172 --> 00:01:07,672 Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson. 32 00:01:07,674 --> 00:01:09,974 He's interviewing for the assistant job. 33 00:01:09,976 --> 00:01:12,109 Uh, assistant job? 34 00:01:12,111 --> 00:01:13,711 Hi, Mr. Schmidt. 35 00:01:13,713 --> 00:01:15,096 It's such an honor... (stuttering) 36 00:01:15,098 --> 00:01:17,248 Eye contact. 37 00:01:17,250 --> 00:01:18,632 It's okay, Henry. 38 00:01:19,851 --> 00:01:21,468 (mouthing) 39 00:01:22,034 --> 00:01:23,719 Alan, can I talk to you for a second. 40 00:01:23,744 --> 00:01:25,393 Uh, no problem, Mr. Schmidt. 41 00:01:27,828 --> 00:01:29,186 Tie? Really. 42 00:01:29,847 --> 00:01:31,239 Not looking good, Hank. 43 00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:35,036 What's up? 44 00:01:35,037 --> 00:01:37,771 Why are you interviewing Henry to be my assistant 45 00:01:37,773 --> 00:01:40,040 when I just hired you to be my assistant? 46 00:01:40,042 --> 00:01:42,259 Oh, no, no, he's interviewing to be my assistant. 47 00:01:42,261 --> 00:01:43,560 Your assistant? 48 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:44,878 Well, intern, actually. 49 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,747 He's not gonna cost us a penny, and he's gonna do 50 00:01:46,749 --> 00:01:48,449 all the menial stuff I don't want to do. 51 00:01:48,451 --> 00:01:50,917 Well, why don't I just hire him for free 52 00:01:50,919 --> 00:01:52,303 and cut out the middle man? 53 00:01:52,305 --> 00:01:54,688 And in case I'm going too fast, you're the middle man. 54 00:01:54,690 --> 00:01:56,256 But I'm the big picture guy. 55 00:01:56,258 --> 00:01:58,392 See, bringing Henry on to Team Schmidt... 56 00:01:58,394 --> 00:02:00,644 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Team Schmidt? 57 00:02:00,646 --> 00:02:02,146 Yeah, I'm gonna get hats and shirts made. 58 00:02:02,148 --> 00:02:03,614 Well, Henry is. 59 00:02:03,616 --> 00:02:05,065 We're gonna have a new slogan. 60 00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,134 "No bull-Schmidt." 61 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,771 "Schmidt happens." 62 00:02:10,773 --> 00:02:13,240 You're a Schmidt head. 63 00:02:15,627 --> 00:02:18,945 I hired you to be my assistant to help you out financially 64 00:02:18,947 --> 00:02:20,914 'cause you had close your chiropractic office. 65 00:02:20,916 --> 00:02:23,083 I didn't have to close it; I'm in a rent dispute. 66 00:02:23,085 --> 00:02:25,953 People in rent disputes don't fake their own death. 67 00:02:25,955 --> 00:02:27,738 (doorbell rings) Oh, I'll get that. 68 00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:29,907 You are looking good today, boss. 69 00:02:29,909 --> 00:02:31,442 That's why he got good toilet paper. 70 00:02:31,444 --> 00:02:34,762 So my ass is clean while he's kissing it. 71 00:02:34,764 --> 00:02:37,398 Huh, my 12:00 must be early. 72 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,983 Someone who really wanted this job 73 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,185 would've taken the initiative. 74 00:02:41,187 --> 00:02:42,770 Too late, Harvard. 75 00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:47,057 Hello. 76 00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:49,226 Hi. You Alan Harper? 77 00:02:49,228 --> 00:02:51,495 Yes, I am. And, uh, and you are...? 78 00:02:51,497 --> 00:02:52,496 Your niece. 79 00:02:52,498 --> 00:02:53,864 Eurniece? 80 00:02:53,866 --> 00:02:55,482 That's a... that's a pretty name. 81 00:02:55,484 --> 00:02:56,583 Is that Dutch? 82 00:02:56,585 --> 00:02:57,951 No, I'm Jenny. 83 00:02:57,953 --> 00:02:59,486 I'm your brother Charlie's daughter. 84 00:02:59,488 --> 00:03:01,171 Uh, Henry? Yes? 85 00:03:01,173 --> 00:03:02,489 Catch me. 86 00:03:04,342 --> 00:03:06,427 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 87 00:03:06,429 --> 00:03:07,557 ♪ Ooh ♪ Men. ♪ 88 00:03:07,558 --> 00:03:11,558 ♪ Two and a Half Men 11x01 ♪ Nangnangnangnang Original Air Date on September 26, 2013 89 00:03:11,561 --> 00:03:15,561 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 90 00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:16,947 ♪ Men. ♪ 91 00:03:17,149 --> 00:03:18,982 Uh, I'm-I'm sorry, 92 00:03:18,984 --> 00:03:22,235 did-did you say that you're... Charlie's daughter? 93 00:03:22,237 --> 00:03:23,904 Yeah. 94 00:03:23,906 --> 00:03:25,338 Listen, I got a wicked hangover. 95 00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:29,793 You got any aspirin, ibuprofen, rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka? 96 00:03:29,795 --> 00:03:32,078 Uh, yeah, yeah, come on in. 97 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,581 Uh, Henry, uh, get her an aspirin and vodka. 98 00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:36,066 On it! 99 00:03:36,068 --> 00:03:38,268 Kitchen's that way. Damn it! 100 00:03:40,905 --> 00:03:42,305 I-I can't believe this. 101 00:03:42,307 --> 00:03:44,107 I mean, I can, but I-I can't. 102 00:03:44,109 --> 00:03:46,409 I mean, how did this happen? 103 00:03:46,411 --> 00:03:48,011 From what my mom told me... 104 00:03:48,013 --> 00:03:51,782 Ooh, can we... can we maybe turn down the lights? 105 00:03:51,784 --> 00:03:53,800 That's the sun. 106 00:03:53,802 --> 00:03:55,468 Right, I hate the sun. 107 00:03:55,470 --> 00:03:58,155 It's like God calling you an alcoholic. 108 00:03:59,357 --> 00:04:02,976 Anyway, according to my mom, it was love at first sight. 109 00:04:02,978 --> 00:04:04,310 They met in a bar, 110 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,480 they got drunk and had sex in the bathroom. 111 00:04:06,482 --> 00:04:10,083 (chuckles) It was like a freakin' Disney movie. 112 00:04:11,302 --> 00:04:14,087 Poke-a-hot-ass. 113 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,341 And where did the kid go for the vodka? Poland? 114 00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:20,243 Look, I don't mean to be rude, 115 00:04:20,245 --> 00:04:22,546 but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter? 116 00:04:22,548 --> 00:04:24,631 I mean, this could be some kind of scam. 117 00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:26,850 I have a picture of us together. 118 00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:28,451 It's in here somewhere. 119 00:04:28,453 --> 00:04:30,437 Oh, look. (laughs) 120 00:04:30,439 --> 00:04:31,721 My vagina. 121 00:04:31,723 --> 00:04:33,990 (chuckles) 122 00:04:33,992 --> 00:04:35,675 Oh, wait, that's not mine. 123 00:04:37,328 --> 00:04:38,845 Oh, that's mine. 124 00:04:38,847 --> 00:04:40,897 (chuckles) 125 00:04:40,899 --> 00:04:42,148 Ah, there you go. 126 00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:44,501 This was taken at my fourth birthday party. 127 00:04:44,503 --> 00:04:47,654 Just a heads up, I might vomit; where's the nearest bathroom? 128 00:04:47,656 --> 00:04:48,872 Oh, right down the hall. 129 00:04:48,874 --> 00:04:49,956 Okay, I think we're good, 130 00:04:49,958 --> 00:04:51,358 but it's always nice to have a plan. 131 00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:54,244 Anyway, this was party was the last time I saw him. 132 00:04:54,246 --> 00:04:56,046 After that, he just sent checks. 133 00:04:56,048 --> 00:04:57,697 He-he sent checks? 134 00:04:57,699 --> 00:04:59,883 Yeah, my mom didn't want him to have anything to do with me, 135 00:04:59,885 --> 00:05:01,751 but he always made sure I was taken care of. 136 00:05:01,753 --> 00:05:04,203 He never said a word about any of this to me. 137 00:05:04,205 --> 00:05:06,223 I'm his brother, his-his blood. 138 00:05:06,225 --> 00:05:07,741 Were they big checks? 139 00:05:07,743 --> 00:05:09,676 Yeah, got one every month. 140 00:05:09,678 --> 00:05:11,044 Bastard. 141 00:05:11,046 --> 00:05:14,364 My mom just called me special. 142 00:05:14,366 --> 00:05:15,632 This Henry guy is awesome. 143 00:05:15,634 --> 00:05:18,568 Did you know I won a spelling bee in fifth grade? 144 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:22,355 I didn't! 145 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,560 Who's this, Henry's assistant? 146 00:05:27,562 --> 00:05:30,330 Walden, this is Jenny, 147 00:05:30,332 --> 00:05:32,398 my brother's daughter. 148 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,868 Really? 149 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,787 Hi. Hi. 150 00:05:37,789 --> 00:05:40,807 I, uh, didn't know Charlie had a daughter. 151 00:05:40,809 --> 00:05:42,459 Neither did I. 152 00:05:42,461 --> 00:05:45,045 He sent her checks, big checks. 153 00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:47,764 Not that that matters now. 154 00:05:47,766 --> 00:05:49,349 (whispers): Every month! 155 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,269 Hey, am I related 156 00:05:52,271 --> 00:05:54,621 to Abercrombie & Fitch over here? 157 00:05:54,623 --> 00:05:57,757 No, I own the house. 158 00:05:57,759 --> 00:06:00,026 Oh. I assumed it was Alan's. 159 00:06:00,028 --> 00:06:03,063 So does he. 160 00:06:03,065 --> 00:06:05,048 So, uh, tell us more about you. 161 00:06:05,050 --> 00:06:06,700 Not much to tell. 162 00:06:06,702 --> 00:06:07,901 I was born in New York, 163 00:06:07,903 --> 00:06:09,986 got kicked out of a few private schools, 164 00:06:09,988 --> 00:06:12,789 tried to become a doctor to make my mom happy, 165 00:06:12,791 --> 00:06:15,425 dropped out, became an actress to piss her off. 166 00:06:15,427 --> 00:06:16,826 An actress, oh. 167 00:06:16,828 --> 00:06:18,745 Your father loved actresses. 168 00:06:18,747 --> 00:06:20,714 Yeah, I was only going to med school 169 00:06:20,716 --> 00:06:22,766 so I could write myself prescriptions for oxy. 170 00:06:22,768 --> 00:06:25,585 Oh, your father loved oxy. 171 00:06:25,587 --> 00:06:27,437 HENRY: Sorry it took so long. 172 00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:30,407 Here's vodka and two aspirin. 173 00:06:30,409 --> 00:06:32,625 Thank God. Oh. 174 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,796 I was wrong; I am gonna puke. 175 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,684 Your father loved to puke. 176 00:06:40,686 --> 00:06:43,136 ♪ Men. ♪ 177 00:06:43,138 --> 00:06:44,654 So, when I was, like, five, 178 00:06:44,656 --> 00:06:47,357 my mom married this total loser named Rob. 179 00:06:47,359 --> 00:06:49,743 He moved in with us and never looked for a job, 180 00:06:49,745 --> 00:06:51,928 but he's been sponging off of her ever since. 181 00:06:51,930 --> 00:06:54,147 Who does that? 182 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,635 So, uh, how long you been in L.A.? 183 00:06:58,637 --> 00:06:59,602 Couple weeks. 184 00:06:59,604 --> 00:07:00,754 And you got a place to stay? 185 00:07:00,756 --> 00:07:03,206 He asks, knowing full well she's a Harper. 186 00:07:03,955 --> 00:07:07,039 Yeah, I'm crashing at a friend's house. 187 00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:08,441 That's great. Friends are great. 188 00:07:08,443 --> 00:07:10,710 You should make some friends, Alan. 189 00:07:11,578 --> 00:07:13,379 So, just the two of you live here? 190 00:07:13,381 --> 00:07:15,548 Uh, well, my son, your cousin Jake, 191 00:07:15,550 --> 00:07:18,250 uh, used to live with us, but he's in the army now. 192 00:07:18,252 --> 00:07:19,368 Stationed in Japan. 193 00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:21,404 Oh, that's impressive. 194 00:07:21,406 --> 00:07:22,605 Because of the time difference, 195 00:07:22,607 --> 00:07:24,874 he thinks he lives in the future. 196 00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:26,559 Maybe we can call him and find out 197 00:07:26,561 --> 00:07:28,344 when this headache's gonna go away. 198 00:07:28,346 --> 00:07:30,363 Oh, and, uh, you have a grandmother. 199 00:07:30,365 --> 00:07:31,931 Oh, that's great! 200 00:07:31,933 --> 00:07:34,099 In theory. 201 00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:35,768 When she finds out she has a granddaughter, 202 00:07:35,770 --> 00:07:36,886 she's gonna have a heart attack. 203 00:07:36,888 --> 00:07:39,238 You know, I'm gonna call her right now. 204 00:07:40,457 --> 00:07:42,274 ♪ Men. ♪ 205 00:07:42,276 --> 00:07:43,576 This is it. 206 00:07:43,578 --> 00:07:45,277 This was your dad's room. 207 00:07:45,279 --> 00:07:47,079 Wow. 208 00:07:47,081 --> 00:07:50,716 I always tried to imagine what my dad's life was like. 209 00:07:50,718 --> 00:07:53,486 It's weird to finally see it. 210 00:07:53,488 --> 00:07:56,255 I never met him, but I heard he was quite a guy. 211 00:07:56,257 --> 00:07:59,075 I heard he was a drunken man whore. 212 00:07:59,077 --> 00:08:02,028 Like I said, quite a guy. 213 00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:03,346 So, uh, 214 00:08:03,348 --> 00:08:05,081 this your and Alan's room? 215 00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:06,149 What? 216 00:08:06,151 --> 00:08:07,683 (chuckles): No. 217 00:08:07,685 --> 00:08:09,318 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 218 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,820 We're not... I'm not... 219 00:08:10,822 --> 00:08:12,738 The, um... really? 220 00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,258 You really don't think I can do better than Alan? 221 00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:16,609 I don't know. 222 00:08:16,611 --> 00:08:19,479 Maybe he's got a huge schlong. 223 00:08:19,481 --> 00:08:21,981 Well, we're not a couple, and he doesn't. 224 00:08:23,450 --> 00:08:25,418 Which is fine. I mean, not that size matters. 225 00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:26,485 Not that I was looking. 226 00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:27,670 I'm not gay. 227 00:08:27,672 --> 00:08:30,990 So why is he still living here? 228 00:08:30,992 --> 00:08:32,675 Well, at first... 229 00:08:32,677 --> 00:08:34,160 Then... 230 00:08:34,162 --> 00:08:35,761 I don't know. 231 00:08:36,697 --> 00:08:38,915 So, um, 232 00:08:38,917 --> 00:08:40,850 this is where your dad used to sleep. 233 00:08:40,852 --> 00:08:42,468 I got a new mattress, 234 00:08:42,470 --> 00:08:45,087 and I replaced the carpets and the drapes 235 00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:49,192 and pretty much anything that could absorb fluid. 236 00:08:49,194 --> 00:08:50,476 Wow. 237 00:08:50,478 --> 00:08:51,677 If these walls could talk. 238 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:54,764 They'd probably say, "Can I get a towel?" 239 00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:56,115 So, I mean, 240 00:08:56,117 --> 00:08:58,951 I wish there was more that Charlie left behind. 241 00:08:58,953 --> 00:09:01,103 You know, other than Alan. 242 00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:03,372 So... (sighs) 243 00:09:03,374 --> 00:09:07,359 my dad stood in this same spot, staring out at the ocean. 244 00:09:07,361 --> 00:09:09,528 I wonder what was going through his mind. 245 00:09:09,530 --> 00:09:11,497 I wonder what he was thinking. 246 00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:13,082 Besides, of course, 247 00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:17,053 "how can I nail those two hot surfer chicks out there?" 248 00:09:17,055 --> 00:09:19,672 Huh, now I'm thinking it. 249 00:09:19,674 --> 00:09:21,591 Oh, please. 250 00:09:21,593 --> 00:09:24,961 With your looks and this house, I'm sure you do fine. 251 00:09:24,963 --> 00:09:26,946 Well, you'd think that, but the truth is, 252 00:09:26,948 --> 00:09:29,148 when it comes to women, I've never really been much 253 00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:30,549 of a casual sex kind of guy. 254 00:09:30,551 --> 00:09:32,401 And every time I do get close to one, 255 00:09:32,403 --> 00:09:33,836 she ends up pulling away from me, 256 00:09:33,838 --> 00:09:35,738 and then I wind up back in this room, 257 00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:39,058 thinking where I went wrong again. 258 00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:40,760 Alone. 259 00:09:42,429 --> 00:09:44,630 So alone. 260 00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:48,901 (sighs) 261 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,904 Oh, yeah. 262 00:09:51,906 --> 00:09:54,106 (chuckles) You're not gay. 263 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,494 Mom, I have some news for you. 264 00:09:58,496 --> 00:10:00,730 Sit down. 265 00:10:00,732 --> 00:10:02,999 Okay, push him off and sit up. 266 00:10:03,001 --> 00:10:06,185 Um, I know this is gonna come as quite the shock, 267 00:10:06,187 --> 00:10:09,772 but it turns out Charlie has a daughter. 268 00:10:11,091 --> 00:10:13,809 Mom? Mom? 269 00:10:13,811 --> 00:10:16,212 Are you dead? 270 00:10:16,214 --> 00:10:17,697 Oh, good. 271 00:10:17,699 --> 00:10:19,782 Um, no, I know. 272 00:10:19,784 --> 00:10:21,317 I know, it's crazy, right? 273 00:10:21,319 --> 00:10:23,085 Yeah, no, she's here now. 274 00:10:23,087 --> 00:10:25,071 Well, well, come on over. 275 00:10:25,073 --> 00:10:27,573 Okay, finish first and then come over. 276 00:10:28,942 --> 00:10:31,327 Good news. Uh, my mother's on her way over. 277 00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:33,896 First time I've ever said that. 278 00:10:33,898 --> 00:10:36,115 Wow, insta-family. 279 00:10:36,117 --> 00:10:38,117 Uncle, grandmother, 280 00:10:38,119 --> 00:10:39,468 step-hot-guy. 281 00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:41,604 I'm sorry, I don't know what to call you. 282 00:10:41,606 --> 00:10:43,589 Oh, step-hot-guy works. 283 00:10:43,591 --> 00:10:45,958 All that's missing is my dad. 284 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,511 Actually, he's here, too. 285 00:10:48,513 --> 00:10:50,429 Um, follow me. 286 00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:51,897 Uh, where are we going? 287 00:10:51,899 --> 00:10:53,583 Uh, well, you know how sailors get buried at sea? 288 00:10:53,584 --> 00:10:54,128 Yeah. 289 00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,153 I keep Charlie in the liquor cabinet. 290 00:10:57,821 --> 00:10:59,471 Let's see. 291 00:10:59,473 --> 00:11:04,026 Uh, Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's... 292 00:11:04,028 --> 00:11:05,695 Charlie Harper. 293 00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:10,333 Huh, he looks different than his pictures. 294 00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:14,453 Um, Charlie, this is your daughter Jenny. 295 00:11:14,455 --> 00:11:16,672 Hi, Dad! 296 00:11:17,841 --> 00:11:20,126 This seems weird. Does this seem weird to anybody else? 297 00:11:20,128 --> 00:11:22,261 Yes, it's weird. 298 00:11:22,263 --> 00:11:26,682 Almost as weird as when we take him to the movies. 299 00:11:29,436 --> 00:11:31,270 Charlie, I wish you were here 300 00:11:31,272 --> 00:11:34,357 to see how beautiful your daughter turned out. 301 00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,026 I-I think you'd be impressed. 302 00:11:37,028 --> 00:11:38,527 I think a lot of... 303 00:11:38,529 --> 00:11:40,529 Oh! 304 00:11:40,531 --> 00:11:42,298 (coughs) 305 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,884 Oh, not again. 306 00:11:44,886 --> 00:11:47,019 I ain't cleaning that up. 307 00:11:55,564 --> 00:11:57,931 ♪ Men. ♪ 308 00:12:02,395 --> 00:12:03,345 Oh. Oh, look. 309 00:12:03,346 --> 00:12:05,179 A quarter. 310 00:12:07,716 --> 00:12:09,266 Unbelievable. 311 00:12:09,268 --> 00:12:11,585 You even mooch off the dead. 312 00:12:12,771 --> 00:12:13,887 One more. 313 00:12:13,889 --> 00:12:15,922 Yeah, you're Charlie's daughter. 314 00:12:15,924 --> 00:12:17,558 You don't seem very surprised. 315 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,411 Only surprised there aren't more of you running around. 316 00:12:20,413 --> 00:12:24,365 God, I loved your dad. 317 00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,283 I remember the first time I met him. 318 00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:28,719 He asked me if I knew how to do three things: 319 00:12:28,721 --> 00:12:30,788 cook, clean and score an eight ball 320 00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:32,623 at 2:30 in the morning. 321 00:12:33,892 --> 00:12:36,960 I told him I didn't know how to cook or clean. 322 00:12:36,962 --> 00:12:38,612 I've been here ever since. 323 00:12:38,614 --> 00:12:40,113 (laughs) 324 00:12:40,115 --> 00:12:42,416 I'm-I'm sure you have a story about Charlie 325 00:12:42,418 --> 00:12:43,701 that doesn't involve drugs. 326 00:12:43,703 --> 00:12:47,004 Okay. One time at Mardi Gras... 327 00:12:47,006 --> 00:12:48,505 Or alcohol. 328 00:12:48,507 --> 00:12:49,923 All right. 329 00:12:49,925 --> 00:12:51,942 Once when Charlie was in Vegas... 330 00:12:51,944 --> 00:12:53,894 Or hookers. 331 00:12:53,896 --> 00:12:56,980 Geez, you're really tying my hands! 332 00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,083 Okay, I got it. 333 00:12:59,085 --> 00:13:01,034 It was New Year's Eve, 334 00:13:01,036 --> 00:13:03,704 and Charlie was super not drunk, 335 00:13:03,706 --> 00:13:06,724 and he was with this crazy not hooker, 336 00:13:06,726 --> 00:13:10,043 and he decided to have his sphincter bleached. 337 00:13:10,045 --> 00:13:11,995 Whoa! Whoa! What? 338 00:13:11,997 --> 00:13:12,963 Why? 339 00:13:12,965 --> 00:13:15,499 Because he cared about women. 340 00:13:16,684 --> 00:13:20,671 Unfortunately, it got infected, and he needed me 341 00:13:20,673 --> 00:13:23,757 (voice breaks): to dab a little ointment... 342 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:25,626 I'm sorry. 343 00:13:25,628 --> 00:13:28,112 It's just that I miss him so much! 344 00:13:28,114 --> 00:13:30,848 God took the wrong Harper! 345 00:13:31,883 --> 00:13:33,851 (door closes) 346 00:13:33,853 --> 00:13:36,353 EVELYN: Where is my granddaughter? 347 00:13:36,355 --> 00:13:38,439 Did it just get cold in here? 348 00:13:39,624 --> 00:13:42,392 Oh, my God. 349 00:13:42,394 --> 00:13:44,010 Look at you. 350 00:13:44,012 --> 00:13:45,562 Mom, this is Jenny. 351 00:13:45,564 --> 00:13:46,613 Jenny, 352 00:13:46,615 --> 00:13:48,232 this is Evelyn. 353 00:13:48,234 --> 00:13:50,033 You are so beautiful. 354 00:13:50,035 --> 00:13:52,369 You remind me of me ten years ago. 355 00:13:53,955 --> 00:13:56,290 Your father was the apple of my eye. 356 00:13:56,292 --> 00:13:57,791 My greatest gift. 357 00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,460 My reason for living. 358 00:14:00,311 --> 00:14:01,361 Uh, hello. 359 00:14:02,247 --> 00:14:04,047 Hello, Alan. 360 00:14:05,032 --> 00:14:09,336 I can't believe I finally have a grandchild. 361 00:14:09,338 --> 00:14:11,221 You already have a grandchild-- Jake. 362 00:14:11,223 --> 00:14:14,475 Oh. Sure. Yeah. 363 00:14:15,543 --> 00:14:17,561 So, Jennifer... 364 00:14:17,563 --> 00:14:18,829 Actually, it's Jenny. 365 00:14:18,831 --> 00:14:21,815 Darling, you're not 12 anymore. It's Jennifer. 366 00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:24,318 We are going to have so much fun together: 367 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:28,806 lunching, shopping, taking care of those eyebrows. 368 00:14:28,808 --> 00:14:30,407 Where are you staying while you're in town? 369 00:14:30,409 --> 00:14:32,176 I'm crashing on a friend's couch. 370 00:14:32,178 --> 00:14:34,545 Not anymore. You'll stay with me. 371 00:14:34,547 --> 00:14:36,947 Aw! I love you, Evelyn. 372 00:14:36,949 --> 00:14:38,248 Whoa, whoa! If she's staying anywhere, 373 00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:39,433 she's gonna stay at my place. 374 00:14:39,435 --> 00:14:41,451 And by "your place," do you mean 375 00:14:41,453 --> 00:14:44,121 the office that you stopped paying rent at 376 00:14:44,123 --> 00:14:46,673 or the house that you've never paid rent at? 377 00:14:46,675 --> 00:14:48,759 Look, I'm not gonna let my mom screw her up 378 00:14:48,761 --> 00:14:50,010 like she did me and Charlie. 379 00:14:50,012 --> 00:14:52,679 Hey! I was a good mother. 380 00:14:52,681 --> 00:14:54,381 No, you know who was a good mother? 381 00:14:54,383 --> 00:14:56,466 Our housekeeper Adela. She even breast-fed me. 382 00:14:56,468 --> 00:14:59,102 She had just had a baby. 383 00:14:59,104 --> 00:15:01,305 And when the milk truck is parked on the street, 384 00:15:01,307 --> 00:15:03,273 you don't go to the grocery store. 385 00:15:04,292 --> 00:15:08,228 Besides, you-you used to gnaw on me. 386 00:15:09,113 --> 00:15:10,731 You're gnawer. 387 00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:12,432 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 388 00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:15,485 You know what? She's gonna stay in Jake's room. 389 00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:17,237 Whoa, whoa, no. 390 00:15:17,239 --> 00:15:19,873 I do not want Jake's room to become Jenny's room. 391 00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:22,159 You know, in fact, there is no Jake's room 392 00:15:22,161 --> 00:15:23,293 and there's no Jenny's room. 393 00:15:23,295 --> 00:15:24,945 There's just Walden's room. 394 00:15:24,947 --> 00:15:27,764 And Charlie's room. 395 00:15:27,766 --> 00:15:29,650 Why don't we let her decide? 396 00:15:29,652 --> 00:15:30,801 Yeah, yeah, it's up to her. 397 00:15:30,803 --> 00:15:33,503 Is anyone listening to me?! 398 00:15:33,505 --> 00:15:35,405 Jennifer? 399 00:15:35,407 --> 00:15:36,757 Where'd she go? 400 00:15:38,927 --> 00:15:40,227 Nice job, Alan. 401 00:15:40,229 --> 00:15:43,096 You made another woman disappear. 402 00:15:43,098 --> 00:15:44,297 Can you believe her? 403 00:15:44,299 --> 00:15:46,550 What did I do to her to make her hate me so much? 404 00:15:46,552 --> 00:15:48,518 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 405 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,405 Oh, oh. What, you, too? 406 00:15:51,407 --> 00:15:53,974 Oh! 407 00:15:53,976 --> 00:15:55,909 Son of a... 408 00:15:55,911 --> 00:15:57,744 Ooh, a nickel! 409 00:15:57,746 --> 00:15:59,446 ♪ Men. ♪ 410 00:15:59,448 --> 00:16:01,198 This is ridiculous. 411 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,449 We're never going to find her. 412 00:16:02,451 --> 00:16:04,484 I don't understand why she ran off like that. 413 00:16:04,486 --> 00:16:06,253 I can think of two reasons. 414 00:16:09,123 --> 00:16:12,826 First I lost my Charlie, now I've lost my Jennifer. 415 00:16:12,828 --> 00:16:14,511 You still have your Alan. 416 00:16:14,513 --> 00:16:17,014 Oh! Don't make it worse. 417 00:16:18,332 --> 00:16:20,017 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 418 00:16:21,619 --> 00:16:25,555 Oh, God, my granddaughter's gone forever. 419 00:16:25,557 --> 00:16:28,392 Oh, there she is at the bus stop. 420 00:16:28,394 --> 00:16:32,329 Oh, God, my granddaughter rides the bus! 421 00:16:37,035 --> 00:16:38,869 Jenny, what are you doing? 422 00:16:38,871 --> 00:16:41,438 I'm trying to get away from you people. 423 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,290 Look, I just wanted to see where my dad lived. 424 00:16:43,292 --> 00:16:44,925 I didn't want to screw up your family. 425 00:16:44,927 --> 00:16:46,043 Uh, for the record, 426 00:16:46,045 --> 00:16:47,878 they were screwed up long before you got here. 427 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,129 It's true. 428 00:16:49,131 --> 00:16:51,048 H-Hey, if I'm screwed up, it's your fault. 429 00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:51,999 You raised me. 430 00:16:52,001 --> 00:16:54,434 I didn't raise you, Adela did. 431 00:16:54,436 --> 00:16:57,504 Look, I already have a messed-up family. 432 00:16:57,506 --> 00:16:58,922 I-I don't need another one. 433 00:16:58,924 --> 00:16:59,923 Oh, we're sorry. 434 00:16:59,925 --> 00:17:01,825 This is just how we express our love. 435 00:17:01,827 --> 00:17:03,927 Through hate. Oh, no, no, no. 436 00:17:03,929 --> 00:17:05,262 W-We don't hate each other. 437 00:17:05,264 --> 00:17:09,833 I mean, the truth is, my mother is an amazing woman. 438 00:17:09,835 --> 00:17:11,868 I mean, she-she raised two kids on her own, 439 00:17:11,870 --> 00:17:13,820 she's a successful businesswoman, 440 00:17:13,822 --> 00:17:17,074 she has impeccable taste. 441 00:17:17,076 --> 00:17:18,391 Thank you, Alan. 442 00:17:19,694 --> 00:17:20,744 Oh, right. 443 00:17:20,746 --> 00:17:23,697 Uh, and Alan is... 444 00:17:23,699 --> 00:17:26,950 the reason I had my tubes tied. 445 00:17:28,052 --> 00:17:31,455 Because she knew she would never do better than me. 446 00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:36,460 Please, sweetheart, I just found you. 447 00:17:36,462 --> 00:17:37,511 I can't lose you now. 448 00:17:37,513 --> 00:17:39,546 We want you to be a part of our lives. 449 00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:40,630 What do you say? 450 00:17:40,632 --> 00:17:43,750 Well, if I'm gonna be a part of this family, 451 00:17:43,752 --> 00:17:45,602 I'm gonna need a drink. 452 00:17:45,604 --> 00:17:47,054 You hear that, Charlie? 453 00:17:47,056 --> 00:17:48,722 Your daughter needs a drink. 454 00:17:48,724 --> 00:17:51,441 You're looking the wrong way, Mom. 455 00:17:51,443 --> 00:17:53,377 ♪ Men. ♪ 456 00:17:54,562 --> 00:17:56,429 A toast. To Charlie Harper. 457 00:17:56,431 --> 00:18:00,384 My brother, your son, your father, and your... 458 00:18:00,386 --> 00:18:03,236 Guy who got hit by a train so I could buy his beach house? 459 00:18:04,288 --> 00:18:05,238 Sorry, Evelyn. 460 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,007 It's okay. I got the commission. 461 00:18:07,009 --> 00:18:09,993 To Charlie. 462 00:18:09,995 --> 00:18:13,130 So, is that the bathroom 463 00:18:13,132 --> 00:18:15,415 where the miracle of my life began? 464 00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:18,001 It is. 465 00:18:19,504 --> 00:18:20,470 Want to see it? 466 00:18:20,472 --> 00:18:21,671 I do. 467 00:18:21,673 --> 00:18:23,473 Text a picture of it to my mom. 468 00:18:23,475 --> 00:18:25,425 Should be good for some guilt money. 469 00:18:25,427 --> 00:18:27,627 I'll run interference. 470 00:18:29,013 --> 00:18:30,147 All right, everybody out! 471 00:18:30,149 --> 00:18:32,632 Woman visiting the place of her conception! 472 00:18:34,168 --> 00:18:36,236 I can't tell you how relieved I am 473 00:18:36,238 --> 00:18:38,405 to finally have an heir. Mm. 474 00:18:38,407 --> 00:18:39,423 Wait, what? 475 00:18:39,425 --> 00:18:41,191 She's my granddaughter. 476 00:18:41,193 --> 00:18:43,143 I want to provide for her. 477 00:18:43,145 --> 00:18:44,578 And since I wasn't around 478 00:18:44,580 --> 00:18:46,696 for the first 25 years of her life, 479 00:18:46,698 --> 00:18:48,949 it's only fitting that she inherit my estate. 480 00:18:48,951 --> 00:18:51,317 You weren't around for the first 45 years of my life. 481 00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:53,170 You have Walden! 482 00:18:53,172 --> 00:18:55,472 Oh, oh, do I? Do you see a ring on this finger? 483 00:18:55,474 --> 00:18:56,823 Don't worry, darling. 484 00:18:56,825 --> 00:18:59,209 There's a little something for you in my will. 485 00:18:59,211 --> 00:19:00,043 A little something? 486 00:19:00,045 --> 00:19:01,261 Look, if you knew 487 00:19:01,263 --> 00:19:02,879 you were gonna get everything, 488 00:19:02,881 --> 00:19:05,265 you would've smothered me with a pillow years ago. 489 00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:06,616 That is not true. 490 00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:10,353 If I knew I had money coming, I'd hire a professional. 491 00:19:11,773 --> 00:19:13,557 How'd it go? Great. 492 00:19:13,559 --> 00:19:15,192 I laughed, I cried. 493 00:19:15,194 --> 00:19:18,161 I peed. 494 00:19:18,163 --> 00:19:19,930 How are you guys doing over here? 495 00:19:19,932 --> 00:19:21,481 Can I get you anything else? 496 00:19:23,434 --> 00:19:25,535 Yeah, we might need a designated driver 497 00:19:25,537 --> 00:19:27,988 to get us back to his beautiful beach house. 498 00:19:29,023 --> 00:19:31,158 I'll take you guys. I get off in 15. 499 00:19:32,493 --> 00:19:34,044 Great. Thanks. 500 00:19:36,247 --> 00:19:37,697 She's cute. 501 00:19:37,699 --> 00:19:38,799 Told ya. 502 00:19:38,801 --> 00:19:42,002 Malibu beach house gets you laid every time. 503 00:19:42,687 --> 00:19:45,005 Not every time. 504 00:19:46,674 --> 00:19:49,176 ♪ Men. ♪ 505 00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:52,562 Oh, my God, this house is amazing! 506 00:19:52,564 --> 00:19:54,798 Well, it's... Yeah. 507 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,517 And look at that view. 508 00:19:57,519 --> 00:19:59,269 It's even better from the bedroom. 509 00:19:59,271 --> 00:20:00,353 Want to see? 510 00:20:00,355 --> 00:20:01,538 Yeah. 511 00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:03,073 After you. 512 00:20:04,041 --> 00:20:05,542 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 513 00:20:05,544 --> 00:20:06,710 Where are you going? 514 00:20:06,712 --> 00:20:07,878 Up to show her. 515 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,830 Oh, you thought...? 516 00:20:09,832 --> 00:20:12,532 Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. 517 00:20:12,534 --> 00:20:14,400 Next time I'll get two. 518 00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:21,408 What just happened? 519 00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:23,243 Charlie's back. 520 00:20:23,245 --> 00:20:25,745 ♪ Men. ♪ 521 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,949 ♪ Men. ♪ 522 00:20:33,951 --> 00:20:34,917 Good morning. 523 00:20:34,919 --> 00:20:36,352 No, no, not good. 524 00:20:36,354 --> 00:20:38,287 I slept in the guest room of my own house, 525 00:20:38,289 --> 00:20:41,690 and I'm pretty sure I still have some of your brother in my ear. 526 00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:43,092 Don't worry, tonight I'll tell Jenny 527 00:20:43,094 --> 00:20:44,293 that your bedroom's off limits. 528 00:20:44,295 --> 00:20:45,561 No, there is no tonight! 529 00:20:45,563 --> 00:20:46,562 But she's family. 530 00:20:46,564 --> 00:20:47,763 Not my family. 531 00:20:47,765 --> 00:20:49,882 And I'm gonna tell her she can't stay. 532 00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:52,718 Morning. Hi. 533 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:53,969 You girls have a good night? 534 00:20:53,971 --> 00:20:55,804 Oh, yeah. 535 00:20:56,252 --> 00:20:59,170 I'm surprised I can even talk. 536 00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:03,759 You were saying? Shut up. 537 00:21:03,761 --> 00:21:08,761 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 538 00:21:42,666 --> 00:21:44,586 (bell tolling) PRIEST: We commend to Almighty God